There is nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.
Christina Aguilera-
‘Can I date you?’ is almost as commonly asked as ‘How do I get into porn?’. You’d be surprised at how often I get asked that question. Between that and ‘Can I have your number?’ are my top three questions.
This is not so much about the random DM’s or comments on my social media. This is mainly aimed at the conversations that happen in a stripclub. I always get a little weird when someone I’ve just given a lapdance to asks to date me, take me out for dinner, for my phone number or anything that steps outside of the work realm. When I get random DM’s asking questions along the dating line, I get more annoyed than anything. But asking those things in person really confuses me. To me it’s obvious, this is not a good start. I don’t know if there’s just one reason why. I think there’s a few.
The person who’s asked me out has made two assumptions. Firstly that I actually want to engage with them outside of my work environment. Secondly, that I’m available to do so. They have no idea if I’m dating someone or my sexual orientation for that matter. They just assume that I’m single and that I like men. My job is to connect with people and entertain them. I do it well and I love it. But I’ve been doing this for over 7 years. I’ve developed some pretty heavy duty boundaries.
When you add to that the fact that quite often, I’ve only known that person for 10 minutes. In that 10 minutes, I’ve already stripped off, am naked and we’ve made small talk whilst I’ve been sitting on their lap. This is a bit one sided. If they were to then get naked and make small talk on my lap, then we’d be equal. But we aren’t. I’ve always wondered what the dynamic of any kind of relationship would be, when started with such unequal beginnings.
The natural development of a relationship is usually the getting to know you stage, some form of intimate contact, then you get to see each other naked. All of these transactions are mutually reciprocated one by one. But what happens when I’ve done all of these, with no reciprocation from the other person? Where do you go from there? Furthermore, I’ve done all of the above for payment.
The payment part is where it starts to get a bit messy. I’ve wondered if the person who has asked me to go on a date, after or during a lapdance, has thought about one thing. How the intimate situation they find themselves in with me, at that very moment was all because I accepted payment for the privilege. Would I have engaged with them without payment? I couldn’t answer that question because it’s to late.
Having said all that and having pointed out some problems with the ‘Can I date you?’ question. You’re probably wondering if I do actually like giving a lapdance. The answer is yes, of course. Each one is different, some are not very nice, because the person isn’t very nice. But mostly I do connect with the person I’m giving a dance to. We may have similar interests, have similar outlooks on life or just connect on another level. Quite often than not, I really love the dance just as much as them. I’ve enjoyed it for what it was, a lapdance. Not an application for a boyfriend.
The burning question is not ‘Do I enjoy the dance?’ but ‘Can I date you?’. To be honest, I’ve never met anyone that has been fascinating enough to get past those heavy duty boundaries yet. Sorry folks. Dancing and filming is my work and a big part of who I am, but it’s not my hobby, isn’t my interest and isn’t my outlook on the world. My job is only one part of me. I want someone who has similar interests and outlook on the world. Someone who is educated and sexually enlightened, someone who is emotionally intelligent but is a little quirky. I want an equal who understands me and my job. Not someone who is only fascinated with my job. Maybe your run of the mill stripclub is not where a dancer is going to meet Mr. Right though.
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Isabelle
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Absolute love it…. ( must make a note not to ask those question when getting a lap dance )…. 🙂
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What make you think the person asking is only fascinated by your work? sure they paid for a lap dance, is that so terrible? I’ve never paid for a lap dance, but I would never look down on a woman who pays for services at male strip clubs, and consider them undateable. Chip and Dale’s anyone? That would be narrow minded. This just tells me she’s quite open minded, maybe too much for some, but not me. I’m afraid your naturally developed very thick skin for a striper, which is very understandable, is not letting you perceive eveything. You could be missing on someone of a caliber you will never meet again. I’m not saying you should look at it as a place to find dates. Not at all. It’s probable the worst place, but your one and only Mr right could be your next client, who did something crazy in the spur of the moment and actually paid for a lap dance
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I would also add that the question “can I date you,” has as ita departure point the aronouse concept of “the one.” As if there is one single person who can make us happy or whole. Which adds a new level of concern to the power embalance you mention. Your observations also give me an interesting research idea; a qualitative study on the experience of counter transference in adult entertainment. Is there grant money in that? 😋
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The comment above- from a male who doesn’t understand the social constructs of relationships and has absolutely no insight into the dancing industry – is very very ignorant.
Men who pay to look at your vagina and then ask for your number are deluded.
As an ex dancer- who danced for 7 years, we’ve seen it all. Under NO circumstance would I be intrigued to date a customer past a stimulating convo that I’m being paid to have. It’s unethical in my opinion- and we are there to work not to get a diamond ring.
We see celebrities, CEO’s, tradies and everything in between- 50-100 times a night.
We don’t want to date you. Period.
Well said Isabelle
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Such a great question! Chris Masters here. 3 years ago, for 3 weeks, I asked my stripper friends (I have a good number of them) how they reconciled their dating life with stripper life. Some fundamentals were the same — partners had to be very understanding, trust, a few dancers had partners in the industry — male strippers, worked there, yet how they reconciled those two worlds could be vastly different when it came to communication… Like how there are many types of polyamory when you delve into it — some polyamorous share everything, some poly tell certain partners only what they need to know, like compartmentalised boxes… It’s a super interesting topic!
Thanks for sharing, Isabelle. -CMM…
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I agree with what Augustus said, I believe it is definitely not the right place to look for a date or relationship, but sometimes life throws wildcards. What I mean by this is, as he said, there might be a remote possibility that someone who is there might be attractive, smart, and just there for X reason but at least they want to “date you” to get to know you (and if course you them). Anyway, at the end it is your call in who to date or not, at work or outside or wherever you choose.
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I find it fascinating that you have ruled out dating a customer at a strip club yet you will fuck a relative stranger for money on film? I have met you in a strip club scenario and I know what a sweetheart you are so I’m just saying “never say never”. With your occupation, it is going to be hard to find a partner in life, if you are looking for one. I wish you all the best.
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They are paying you to get naked. How is that unequal?
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You’re my new favorite pornstar. Can I date you? 😉
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