Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on.Hal Borland-
I’ve never been one to get caught up in this whole New Years Resolution business. I believe that you should always be striving to become a better person, 365 days of the year. Not just one, New Years Day. So what is it about New Years resolutions that seems to be so unavoidable and alluring this year? What was it about 2018 that we seem so keen to move on from?
Personally 2018 was one of the most painful but exciting years I’ve had for a while. I had some intense personal conflicts which lead me to immense personal growth. You know the saying, it’s always darkest before the dawn. I managed to free myself from several toxic and demanding people. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. Learning to finally dispel people who just take from me, who strip me of my energy, while giving nothing in return. And I finally found my place in the world.
I had one of the most profound things ever said to me in 2018. “We will make a name for you that actually means something”. That simple statement was both painful but absolute truth. I had to let go of something that was holding me back. Something that I thought defined me, that I thought was my identity. I then realised that I had inadvertently chosen another path, to reinvent myself for the better. It also lead me to discovering what exactly my self worth was. I finally saw people who demanded and emotionally blackmailed me into giving them my time and energy with no reciprocation. I saw them for what they were. Not worthy of my time anymore. They got exactly what they deserved. A firm “No”. Finally.
I was also able to tick something huge off my bucket list. I did something just for me. Not to further my brand or keep myself “relevant” in the industry. It was purely just for me. I finally gave myself the permission to become myself and film adult content. I didn’t know it would happen at the time, but I ended up finding my place in the world. I was able to finally fit in somewhere. I wan’t judged, I was respected, I was safe, I was supported by people who had my best interest a heart and I was told the truth. Something I’d never actually experienced before in an industry. I finally chose to do good things for me.
So I’d like to make a New Years Resolution for 2019. Hypocrisy, I know. My resolution is more, more of the same. More personal growth. More good vibes. More positive people. And hopefully I can rub some of my good vibes onto more people I cross paths with too.